What makes people believe negative things they hear about others? When I hear someone spreading harmful stories about someone else, I tend to question their motives. And it makes me distrust that person and wonder what they are saying about me.
Too many careers have been damaged by people eagerly sharing false rumors — or true accounts — intended to make someone else look bad. The maligned person, understandably wanting to correct the record, finds it difficult to disprove a negative, and they come off looking defensive and weak.
Instead of stirring the pot, I try to see the best in people and realize that we all make mistakes. I extend grace when people mess up.
As a manager, if someone comes to me bad-mouthing a colleague, I refuse to get pulled into a he-said/she-said spat and be expected to take a position without hearing all sides of the story. I have both parties meet with me to surface issues and resolve problems. I find that when people have to confront the person they are talking about face to face, they realize they aren’t going to get anywhere complaining about others and they agree to settle their dispute civilly. My goal is for both people to learn how to work together better, but if they just stop being negative, I take it as progress.
If I hear that someone is saying bad things about me, I go to them and tell them I’ve heard they were talking about me negatively and ask them if that is true. If they admit to having an issue with me, I offer to address their concerns. But if they claim they haven’t spoken against me I ask them to quash any falsehoods about me and speak out in a positive way. Being direct with someone who is damaging your reputation puts them on notice.
Hearing other people stoke the rumor mill reminds me to consider my own behavior. Am I speaking ill of others? Am I complaining without offering the other person a chance to explain themselves? The only person we can truly change is ourselves, and by being a positive role model for direct and honest feedback, perhaps others will follow.