It is mid-year performance management time and clients are working to ensure their staff know whether they are on track and where they need to bump up their efforts. Some employees, when receiving constructive feedback, are unwilling to accept what their manager has to say. In listening to clients’ reports on these conversations, I find the unwillingness or inability to accept critical feedback can be traced to either (1) a habit of blaming others or (2) a lack of self-awareness
When people blame others for their error, I don’t let them off the hook. For example, if the person says, “I couldn’t get my report in on time because I didn’t get the data from Finance,” I ask if they gave Finance a deadline and whether they checked in along the way to make sure the deadline would be met. I point out that there were a number of things they could have done to make sure they got the data from Finance in time, including escalating the issue to the boss if they weren’t getting what they needed. My feedback is intended to help them learn how to hold others accountable.
But I also point out that blaming others makes them look weak and helpless. They aren’t taking responsibility for their actions, and more than that, they’re positioning themselves as a victim, which does not inspire confidence. By claiming they couldn’t meet their goals because someone else didn’t do their part, it means they lack influence skills, problem-solving skills, and project management skills. In no way would these deficiencies make me let them off the hook. But they would make me think twice about future assignments.
When someone doesn’t meet a deadline or fulfill a request, I don’t want to hear excuses. What I want to hear is what they are doing to get back on track and when the request will be completed. I’m not as interested in knowing why they missed the deadline as I am in learning how they plan to finish the job and in what timeframe. When the dust settles and the task has been completed, I will also want to hear from them what they will do to avoid this situation again.
When critical feedback comes as a surprise, it may be because the person is unaware of their behavior. In these cases, I look for safe ways to increase their self-awareness and see themselves as others see them. One very intelligent leader was unaware that he cut people off in conversations and they often felt dismissed by him. During our conversation, he told me about a company where he felt management didn’t appreciate his ideas. When I started to tell him about a similar situation I had faced, he interrupted me and went back to talking about his bad experience. I stopped him in the moment and asked him to notice what had just happened. He had been so much in his head about his experience that he never heard my story. By pointing out whenever he interrupted, even if unconsciously, he became more aware of the behavior. And by telling him how I felt when he cut me off, he realized the negative effect of that behavior on relationships.
Another leader got feedback that he dominated conversations. He was sure he didn’t talk any more than anyone else. I asked him to slip a stopwatch in his pocket and surreptitiously time himself while he talked. He was astonished to discover that in some meetings he talked more than 85 percent of the time. Once he saw evidence of his behavior, he was willing to work on it. Prior to the stopwatch exercise his self-perception was inaccurate so he didn’t see a need to change.
Another client had the habit of saying “like” many times in a conversation. She too was unaware and didn’t hear herself. Her company uses Zoom for meetings, so I suggested she record a few meetings and then listen to herself. She was shocked at her frequent use of “like” and realized this verbal tic detracted from her executive presence.
Yet another way to get a person to understand the impact of a negative behavior is to put them on the receiving end of it. One manager, weary of his direct report constantly interrupting him, demonstrated what it felt like by frequently interrupting the employee during a friendly conversation. Before they parted, the manager made sure the person understood that what he had just done was an exercise to help the employee become more self-aware. When a negative behavior is done to us and we are made aware that we do it ourselves, we gain perspective and a greater appreciation of how our actions affect others.
When providing feedback, not only is it important to give the feedback in a kind way, but also to explain why the issue matters. There’s nothing like being told a behavior could impact your promotion chances to motivate you to change.
Unfortunately, it seems some people need to experience a career setback before they become open to change. One manager had become notorious among staff members for not sharing credit for her team’s successes. Her senior manager asked her if she had trouble recruiting internal staff. Surprised by the question, she asked him how he knew this. He told her people want to be acknowledged for their work, but when she takes all the credit, she alienates and demotivates her staff. Word had gotten around and now people are reluctant to join her team. If she made an effort to lift her staff, he told her, they would lift her, and her reputation as a competent, promotable manager would improve.
Performance reviews and periodic feedback sessions are a way to acknowledge employees’ skills and achievements and offer guidance on ways to improve. Considerate advice and practical exercises can help break down resistance to feedback and set employees up for success.